Full Microwave Biographies
This is a compilation of full biographies about each microwave's distinct personality and unique characteristics, as created by "Live Time" moderator Hypercoaster. Unnamed Microwave (AKA: "Ursula the Unnamed"; Betsy) had the least personality of all of the microwaves, but this is because she wasn't given a name to build a story off of. However, Jory called her a "trusty steed," and this really did describe her. Unnamed was the first in a line of Sharp carousel microwaves to be battleworn from microwaving items that shouldn't be microwaved. She obliged Jon and Jory's wishes and stuck through until the end of season one. She got the job done without complaints. This might be because she craved attention; she had been thrown out in the trash before Jon and Jory recovered her. She probably agreed to the insanity of microwaving things that shouldn't be microwaved because she wanted some love after being carelessly thrown in the trash. Little is known about her past and her identity, including her name. Jon said that he would go back and name her Betsy, something "short and sweet and fun and cute, to fit her personality." So, clearly, Jon feels that she was all of these things. Even though she wasn't said to have a relationship with Jory, she probably was sort of like a short-term fling. After all, she did microwave a condom. She also had a suckish popcorn setting, and she ended up burning the popcorn that was microwaved. The two microwaves who had the most distinct personalities were Diane and Sandra, the second and third microwaves, respectively. And these two ended up having a head-to-head battle against one another. Diane just seemed to have an attitude, like she thought she was better than everyone else and was more sophisticated. Maybe this is because she was the first named microwave, meaning that she was Jory's "first love." She was the first one where a microwave sexual relationship was implied. Ezra announced in the deodorant episode, "I don't think that's the first time you've gotten white stuff all over Diane, right, Jory?" She microwaved Jory's six-inch banana, peck of grapes, and roasted nuts. Jon then said when Jory was chopping up Diane's remains in episode #62 and was unscrewing her bolts, "Jory screws Diane! Where have I seen this before?" I picture her as being a catty rich girl. She was "the Lady in Red," and Jory once said that she was "looking sharp today, it must be a new dress or something." Diane probably bought that dress with Daddy's credit card. rofl4.gif He also said that her hair "blows in the wind." Probably from riding around in a fancy convertible. Diane is the only microwave who Jory voluntarily killed. Diane was still working when they blew her up with dynamite. I think that Diane dumped Jory, and to get back at her for his broken heart, Jory destroyed her. He also called her “dirtier than a Mexican hooker” in this episode, not a favorable description. In episode #62, Jory said, that Diane was "so heavy- that's why I left her!" But it fits her personality that Diane would be cold-hearted and leave Jory, not the other way around. After Diane's death, along came Sandra. Jory called Sandra a bitch after her death, and this really was a good description of her. She was bitchy. But it was in a different way than Diane. Sandra just seemed moody and volatile; Diane, on the other hand, was bitchy in a snooty way. The reason that Jory said Sandra was a bitch is because she only worked when SHE wanted to. Sandra was busted when they bought her, so Jory often had to hit her repeatedly to start her up. Her timer didn't work, either. It didn't show the numbers properly, and "when it got down past a minute, it didn't even say what time it was." She sort of had a permanent case of PMS: Pissy Microwave Syndrome. Sandra seemed to love Jory, but she liked being pampered. If she didn't get proper pampering, she'd pout and not work. For example, she "preferred carnations instead of roses." Jory probably bought her roses once, and she probably threw a fit. Diane died from the dynamite experiment. Ezra said that Jory "risked his life for his love." But Jory moved on quickly and got Sandra. He once introduced Sandra by saying, "This is Sandra, and she's better than Diane..." Well, needless to say that Diane didn't like this, and she sought her revenge. When Sandra microwaved Diane's dynamited remains in "microwave-on-microwave action," Sandra ended up dying. Jory summed up what happened very nicely: "Jealousy, people- jealousy will kill ya!" Obviously, Diane's spirit from the microwave grave came back to kill Sandra. If Diane couldn't have Jory, no microwave could... Then along came Austrian-born Helga, who was a "big ol' lady." Helga was a bundle of love. She was friendly and cheerful. She didn't exactly have the best track record (13 out of her 15 experiments were "bad ideas"), but she made all of her episodes fun and enjoyable. This is because she was a "bad-ass woman." Her experiments were hilarious and bad-ass themselves. The main thing about Helga is that she loved food. She remains the biggest of all of the microwaves, and she even destroyed Gobstoppers, which are seemingly "everlasting," because of how she was a "big girl, and big girls like food." I picture Helga as this plus-sized homemaker who loved to eat and cook. Helga seemed more interested in food than in sex. She was probably the least sexual of all of the microwaves. This might be because Jory revealed in the NiCd battery episode that he "just couldn't keep it up in this microwave." Jory did love her, though. Helga was nice and fun, unlike Sandra and her moods. Jory once said that he loved Helga because her "display works, and there's a button to open the door. That's something Sandra could never give to me!" She probably was a really family-oriented microwave; she had two sisters named Olga and Gretchen, of whom nothing is known about. One interesting thing about her is that Helga remains the only microwave used in more than one season. Helga couldn't stand pain, though. Her plate broke from the intense heat of microwaving the NiCd batteries, and when she died from the fireworks, it is said that the horrifying squeal of the fireworks going off was really Helga screaming while dying. Lacey, the first GE, was next, and like Diane, she seemed to have an attitude. However, Lacey's attitude was different than Diane's was. I feel that Lacey was a prissy, stuck-up goody-goody. Jory described her as being "petite and kind of cute," and she relished in being the smallest of all of the microwaves, which was what made her "cute." And Jon said that Lacey didn't "plasma on the first date." She thought she was more virtuous than the other microwaves, like a virginal girl-next-door type. But was she really all that virtuous? She microwaved a pregnancy test. It did come back as "invalid," but still, we can't forget about the mess the mini marshmallows left. It "looked like an attack Spiderman would use on the Hobgoblin... Or Mary Jane..." Lacey was retired at the end of season four. It's no wonder that she didn't die- she only had a handful of exciting experiments (i.e. the iPods). Towards the end of her run, her experiments were dull and unexciting. She is the main reason why season four is often considered to be the most boring of all of the seasons. Her goody-two-shoe ways stopped her from having fun. Jory got Vanessa next, and what can be said for this microwave besides that she was an extremely lame loser? Jory said Vanessa had him "at 'hello'," but really, he picked up the first microwave he could to replace Lacey. He didn't care about her. He even forgot her name in her second episode. Many people on the comments say that Vanessa committed suicide in the Obama/McCain episode because of how Jory forgot her name. I find this highly amusing and plausible. Jory was disappointed in Vanessa after her death. There was no mourning involved- he couldn't believe that she only lasted two episodes, and that she died on a rather benign experiment. Vanessa probably did commit suicide. She knew how lame she was and how nobody loved her. She was the least self-confident of all of the microwaves and certainly the least interesting. What I think is funny is that she is the only microwave since Helga (when the tradition started) that has not received a funeral or retirement video. Nobody WANTS to remember her! (Note: Samantha didn't get a memorial video, either, but there was a legitimate reason- she was retired after the end of the sixth season, and Jon didn't know whether or not he was going to use her in the seventh season or not when what would be her last episode aired. So, the memorial video was left out. However, a fan took the time to make Samantha a make-shift retirement video after season 7 had started. Nobody has bothered to make Vanessa a funeral montage!) Tracy, "a honky-tonk girl," was Jory's first black microwave. She also was the first blatant microwave pyromaniac. Most of her experiments caught on fire and did little else. Jon said that Tracy herself was "on fire all of the time." Tracy was hot but somewhat unobtrusive. She sort of stayed in the background, did what she was told, and didn't really do anything out of the ordinary. Tracy also was a fan of technology. Many of her experiments were computer parts or electronics. Her love of fire and technology was her downfall, though- the burning digital camera killed her. Along came Whoopi, another black microwave and the first Panasonic. Whoopi was booty-licious. She had "more junk in da trunk." Whoopi was a fun-loving microwave; all of her experiments were hilarious. Even though she had lots of fun, she was the most safety cautious of all of the microwaves- whenever things got too hot/dangerous, her safety device would turn her off. This eventually led to her getting axed during the spray paint episode. But when she let loose, Whoopi made for a good time. She probably was an activist for black microwave rights, too, as she made the crew know during the microwaving of the African-American light bulb. "Whoopi's black, too- she knows what this is about!" Jon said. One weird thing about Whoopi is that, while she had a "turbo defrost" setting, she didn't have a plus-30 second button to add time to her, so Jon said, "What kind of microwave is this, Whoopi?!" But Whoopi didn't care if they thought she was different; she just focused on making everyone have a good time. Her comedic, good-natured personality probably came from the fact that her name was inspired by comedienne Whoopi Goldberg. One thing we found out about Whoopi is that her name is officially "Whoopi Caron"; Jory explained that he makes the microwaves take his last name before he kills them. The microwaves are refused pre-nups, though. Oh, and as a side note: Whoopi is kinky and likes strap-ons. Jasmine, or "Lexi" as she was first known, really heated up things in more ways than one. She was the first black GE microwave, but Jasmine was probably Arab and not African-American, since Jory and Jon named her after Jasmine in iAladdin/i. I picture Jasmine Microwave much like Jasmine from iAladdin/i: sexy, beautiful, and exotic. She was so hot that she actually melted herself from the spray paint episode. Snow needed to be thrown on Jasmine to cool down her inherent sexiness. Jasmine had a twisted side to her, though. She was both a "freak" and a "zombie." After she died from the spray paint, she still kept going on fire. She was also covered in red spray paint blood after her death. She "went out before her time," though, so who knows what other creepy things she was capable of? Susan was the first microwave to kick off the Jory Caron Laboratory 2.5. Jory called her a "firecracker," and Susan did jumpstart her microwaving career with sexiness. She was the first to see Riley's "2.5" pelvic thrust, and Jory had trouble fitting the X-Box 360 inside of her because "that was a tight, tight fit- just like Susan!" Susan just seemed like a nice girl who got along with everybody. Sadly, though, she died from her first experiment, so we didn't get to know much about her. Beatrice was a "whole lotta woman," and that is a very good way to describe her. She was a real gem, and she died far too young. She had two great experiments, and she seemed to be a very sweet, wholesome microwave. She was sweet in a good way, not a stuck-up way like Lacey. Riley commented on how "clean" she was. Jory defended her honor- when Jon thought Jory was going to call Beatrice a whore when he started saying "whole lotta woman," Jory said, "Don't talk to my microwave like that!" Beatrice may have been sweet on the outside, but she had a darker side to her. The Hannah Montana pen almost took Jory's hand off, and the lipo battery was a "deadly idea." Beatrice had a lot of potential to have died after only two experiments, and she knew this- that is why, when Jackie's first plate broke and was replaced by Beatrice's old plate, Beatrice's spirit (much like Diane's) came back to haunt the laboratory. Beatrice's plate broke under the heat of the Silly Putty. It was sort of like Beatrice wanted to ruin Jackie's performance. I say Beatrice was a perfectionist driven to extremes, like an "I-must-make-straight-'A's-or-I-have-nothing-to-live-for" type. Both of her experiments were epic and hilarious, but they ended badly and weren't "perfect." This probably killed Beatrice on the inside. The 12th microwave of Jory's was Jackie, the "Queen of the Sluts." And, boy, was she ever a slut! Jackie microwaved a dildo, had her touch-button door "fingered" by Riley, had a microwave orgasm (when she whirred and Riley said, "I've never heard that sound before!" to which Jory replied, "Well, you've never played around with microwaves, then..."), and she was literally filthy, so much so that Riley repeatedly called her a "dirty girl." But despite being unabashedly slutty, Jackie was a lot of fun. She helped make season six the best and funniest season. And Jackie was such a "trooper." She was the third-longest-living microwave, and everything she microwaved caught on fire and had the potential to kill her. She went through two plates and still wasn't deterred. She only died because the slot machine was left in too long. She really was "the faithful one," and her determination, good-natured attitude, and interesting microwave experiments all explain why she was "Jack-a-licious." Jackie really belonged to all of the crew, though. She really wasn't just Jory's microwave. Jon said that Jackie was his favorite, and Riley wrote: "Jackie: <3" on her microwave door. Jory didn't show jealousy towards the others' affection for Jackie, but that was probably because Jackie was a slut and liked being passed around. Samantha, or "Sammy Samsung" as she is also known, was the very definition of "cool." She was a very laid-back microwave, calm and collected. I imagine her as as a hip California blonde. She was the first microwave to ever indicate the microwaved item in her display, when her fish setting was used for the Big Mouth Billy Bass. She might have been "the bastard child of the microwave family," but she didn't let that get to her. She microwaved her experiments with her head held high, and while it was doubtful that anyone could ever hold a candle to Jackie, she performed quite well, proving that even microwave bastards can have some success in life. Summer Microwave really stirred things up. She almost killed Jory with the explosion of the air bag. Jory said that the smaller microwaves were some of the best performers, and Riley agreed, saying that the smaller ones were the craziest, giving "more room in bed." Well, Summer certainly was the craziest. Nobody knows why Summer exploded so violently, but it is most likely that she just couldn't handle the pressure of being the star attraction. She had a nervous breakdown and never will be used again. But Summer did not have any devious plans. She never intended to hurt the crew; she just acted for her own benefit without thinking of the consequence it would have for others, and this led to trouble. Penny came along afterwards. She was a fairly quiet, unimposing microwave who "served Jory well." She was not a "penny-pincher or a penny-pusher." Penny was sort of an immature, childish jokester in pigtails. She microwaved lots of gag items and toys, like the fake dog shit and the NES/Atari consoles. And when microwaving the iPhone, she was going to trick Riley and microwave his good iPhone instead of the donated one. She was sort of like an annoying sibling who always teased you. While people liked Penny, everyone couldn't wait until she was retired so they could meet Zelda. Even Jory was getting tired of how long she hung around. Penny seemed to know that she couldn't live up to the legacy of the air bag experiment, and many fans probably feel that she was an inadequate microwave. However, Penny did not seem to be jealous of this. She probably was very aware of her inadequacy, but she happily microwaved any object that she got, even if they weren't as exciting as the air bag. Penny was also Jory's fourth black microwave, and she had lots of unusual microwave features, like a "4 mugs" beverage setting, telling you to "press start" once the time was entered, and saying, "enjoy your food" when the time had ended. Cinnamon, "the spice of life," was Jory's next love. Not much was known about her, but she seemed to have had quite the dirty, wild past. Riley commented on how dirty she was when they first used her. When Jon said that they had bought her used, Riley said, "Where was this used? Vietnam?!" Jory then said, "Saigon!" The funny thing is that she may not have been used at all. There is strong evidence that she, not her identical twin, Gladys, was Jon's old microwave that he donated for use in season 7 (Jory commented on how Jon didn't clean his microwave in the donation video, and Gladys was spotless for her debut), but regardless of this, she had a dirty past long before she ever was in Jon's possession. Jon also revealed that "Cinnamon" was chosen for a name because it's a stripper's name. That's right. Cinnamon was a stripper. This "Stripper from Saigon" was revealed by Jory to have "danced" and to have "gone around." Around what, you may ask? Around a pole! Unlike Jackie, who was a total slut but didn't flaunt her slutiness, Cinnamon's whore-ish ways were very "in your face." She wanted all to know how X-rated she was. This was shown in how she had a duck orgy in her the very first episode she was used in. Even Jackie waited awhile before she did sexual acts on the show. Then, Jory got Candy, the first Chefmate microwave, who he said was a "dime a dozen." She really was a dime-store hooker. She was a one-night stand who didn't take her job as Jory's love seriously. While Vanessa will always be the lamest microwave, Candy is by far the most disappointing. Not only was she the one with the fan-hated sodium bulb "express episode", but she also had the most disappointing and inexcusable death of all of the microwaves. Death by Legos, something that didn't even catch fire?! Come on, Candy! She may have been "beautiful on the inside and out", but she proved that looks aren't everything... Zelda, the first Kenmore, debuted a little more than halfway through season 7, but her name and microwave identity both were known about from the beginning of the season; every time a microwave died, fans kept hoping Zelda would be used next. She created a lot of buzz by being the first red microwave, as well as being the first microwave to not be named by Jory, Jon, or Riley. (The person who donated her named her; Jon thought up Jasmine's name, and Riley named Jackie after seeing the pumpkin sticker she had.) "Zelda Rose" seemed to be an elegant, sophisticated microwave who was wrapped in mystery. Having known about her presence before her debut also added to this element of mystery she had. She was "red and spotless", and she did "everything perfectly." I imagine her as having been a classy, wealthy broad from the 20s or 30s, someone who would go to fancy bars and clubs and sip cocktails all night. We do know that Zelda could hold her liquor, and, being from the old-school world of class, she preferred classic gin-and-vermouth martinis over vodka ones; this is why she microwaved the bottle of gin. A native of Indianapolis, Melissa, who was "reliable and attractive', was the first GoldStar microwave. She also was the microwave with the "presh vegetable" typo on her panel. Jory said that she would "always be a gold star in his book." She may not get a gold star for spelling, but that didn't stop Jory from making her his girlfriend. Melissa was another fairly unimposing microwave. At first, she wasn't even the object of Jory's sexual affection. He said that he "could tell we're gonna be friends." Just friends?! Probably what happened is that, because most of the season 7 "dime a dozen" girls died quickly or were total slutty one-night stands, Jory took caution with Melissa and didn't rush into anything. But Jory did eventually say that he loved her, and when Melissa's plate broke from the rocket engines and was replaced with what is thought to be Candy's old plate, she started showing off her sexier side. The first episode after Candy the hooker's plate was in her, Melissa showed off her boobs in the time display. This sexy streak didn't last long, however. After only two episodes, the copper wire and solder broke Candy's replacement plate. Having missed Cinnamon's saucy ways, Jory's next girl was Gladys, Cinnamon's identical twin sister. Cinnamon is the older of the two, by four minutes. That is why she was microwave #16 and Gladys was #20. Gladys also had the past of a stripper, but she didn't flaunt her slutiness nearly as much as her sister. I imagine that Cinnamon and Gladys had a twin stripper burlesque stage act that they did together, similar to Velma and Veronica Kelly's sister act in "Chicago." They probably went by the stage name of the "Sharp Stripper Twins." But where's evidence that Gladys was a stripper, too? Jory said how Gladys "peeled like an onion" after the spinning firework went off. What did she peel off? Her clothes! OH! Yes, even when she was dying, Gladys couldn't resist stripping for her audience. When things get hot, Gladys takes things off. Gladys seemed very quiet, and we didn't get to know much about her, but she probably always played second fiddle to Cinnamon. But Gladys got the last laugh- she stole Jory after Cinnamon's death. She also "brought Jory back to his roots," continuing his love affair with Sharp carousels, a brand that, in season 7, only the Sharp Stripper Twins belonged to. Erin came along and finished off season 7. Her quick death helped cement season 7 as being the season with the most one-night stands. Erin was 100% Irish, and her full name was Erin O'Patrick McIlwain Caron. She used her luck o' the Irish to win Jory and get lucky with him every night. Erin was a white GE that was a very similar model to Jackie. Erin and Jackie probably were good friends, because Erin was the sluttiest microwave since Jackie. She had the strap-on ties that Whoopi and Jasmine favored, she microwaved the phallic-shaped spray paint can cocked on its side, and her experiment was declared to be "too hot for YouTube." Yes, Jackie and the dildo is the only other episode deemed too hot for YouTube. Erin probably heard that Jory's second-favorite microwave was Jasmine, after Erin's good friend Jackie, and Erin probably wanted to do a repeat of the spray paint can to show up Jasmine's performance. And that she did. Jasmine's spray paint-induced fire went out on its own and was quickly cooled by snow, whereas Erin remained on fire after being doused with water several times. Sarah was the first season 8 microwave. She was the first black Sharp carousel, and she was a "feisty one." Jory originally was going to name her "Shaniqua", but Jon didn't know how to spell that and forced Jory to change her name. This ended up affecting Sarah's mental health. After her first episode, Jory and Riley kept giving her a different, similar-sounding name every time they introduced her. This caused Sarah to develop Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. Sarah only appeared as herself in her first episode. Her alter personalities were present in all of her other episodes. Her alters were (in order of appearance): Sahara, Sandra, Shauna, Selia, Samantha, Sindy, and Seamus. Clearly, the Sandra and Samantha personalities were Sarah's attempts to get Jory to love her as deeply as he had loved the original Sandra and Samantha. Evidence that these alter personalities were based off of past loves? Sarah had a broken light, making her the first operating microwave since Sandra to have defects, and Sarah was brilliantly colored after the food coloring, the first microwave since Sandra to have had such pretty insides. And Jory said that food coloring would be good to microwave in a bastard microwave right before he called Sarah "Samantha", and we all know that Samantha was the "bastard child of the microwave family." ***'Honorable mentions:' Jon has announced that there was a microwave named Bertha from season six who never got to microwave anything. She was used as a graphic for the theme song in both seasons six and seven, but she never actually got to be used in season six, because they found out she was not functional. Jory said she turned on but didn't microwave. She would have been used after Jackie; a picture Jon sent me shows that the slot machine, the item that killed Jackie, was to the right of Bertha. So, I suppose the first item she was meant to microwave was the Big Mouth Billy Bass. She was a GE Spacemaker XL1800, a chrome over-the-range microwave. Olga and Gretchen were revealed in the coconut episode to be Helga's sisters. They may make an appearance someday. The old relic microwave somebody donated and wanted named "Beth" may be used someday, too. Jory named her Miss Havisham. Her first name is Estela. There are two named microwaves who have been in other videos made by Jon, Jory, and Riley. The microwave Jory proved didn't really make a box of wine explode was named Andrea. The microwave Riley used to microwave a whole load of Peeps was named Melinda, and she appears to have been a model very similar to Beatrice.***